Chapter 14: A girl named Sam

Tunes- Foster the People-Pumped Up Kicks

Near the end of the Sky down fall of a relationship, I had been working at a super duper super market, lets call it Costco or as i like to say ‘Welcome to Costco, I love you’. I was a bagger or whatever the place would reefer to us as. Over a few weeks of working there, I’d run to go grab some boxes for the consuming customers of ideal products. I’d run and see we ( the store ) would have certain displays, people traveling and selling their own stuff. I saw a music set up, guitars of all sorts, basses, drum kits, symbols, key boards, amp sets ect ect. I saw that out of a few people there, a girl was there, helping out some people. I ran at first, and as i got closer to get a good look at her, i slowed down. It was very obvious i was looking at her, and she looked up at me and smiled. i smiled back, got nervous and ran! On my way back, she wasn’t busy and i was standing out of sight for her, i got a good look at her. Not typically what i’d go for, but wow, was she something! About 5’8 or so, shoulder length red hair, green eyes, wore thinner version ( the girl version )of buddy holly styled glasses, pale complexion ( duh ), meaty and had an awesome body, but wore clothes to didn’t show to much of her off. i’d reefer to her as the Grunge chick and shed rightful agree. Kind of brightish colors to what she wore, almost always wearing skirts. As you could guess, her name was Sam. Her parents were her bosses and she’d been doing this for years, i’d come to later find out when i finally got the balls to go up and talk to her. She was just as nervous and would look at me, ever time i ran by. she was interested too! ‘wow! awesome’, i thought. after a few days of trying to talk to her, when ever i could, i finally asked her to have lunch with me. we sat down and had pizza together and drinks. the whole time, we were giggling with one another and would just look at each other. it felt so great. one of the reason so great? well, i hadn’t try’d asking her to “hang” with me, due to that at the time of first seeing her, was the tail end of my relationship with Sky, and even though doomed, i wasn’t a cheater, i felt. So the day before said ‘date’ sky broke up with me, free rain, right? i never told sam about sky and how it’d just ended. i was to scared to. So, while sitting there and she was talking, i was just looking at her lips slowly move as she pushed out each word. damn, she did have nice lips, and it truly was like a romance movie. as she was talking about how she had only been with one other guy and mostly been with chicks, i went in and kissed her. it was one of those surprise! kisses, but she liked it and kissed back. When i leaded back from kissing her, she had the world biggest smile on her face and as did i.

What became as something incredibly great and in those 4 months of us just seeing each other, was just what i wanted. nothing to uber serious, but we liked each other a lot, very affectionate with one another and enjoyed being around each other. The time we spent, be in dinner, movies, video games, reading next to each other to hang’n with friends of mine, was amazing. oh, and the sex, stupendous! But, being a typical guy, i fucked things up. Yep, my first time fucking things up. and with a great girl. When i really try to think about it, i freaked out and used not being able to be in a relationship as an excuse. she felt at first, it was ok to not be b/f and g/f, we were just “hanging out” I.E fuck buddy’s. We all know em, and have all had em. I got distant from her for while. And i could tell it hurt her, and badly. She then, understandable, got very harsh with me and just stopped talking to me. our last conversation was ‘im tired of men, like you. fuck guys, im done with them. why couldn’t you just be ok with us?’. “I don’t know, i’ fucked in the head. i have someone amazing like you, and i just can’t. i want to so badly. and i care for you to much, im just to weak right now”. in the long run, i ran from something good. Sam, will always be in my thoughts as the first one that got away, because of my own stupidness.

Chapter 13: Bitch

Music-The Cults- Go outside

Define Irony? Go on, look it up. Go to wikipedia, go look it up and memorize it and get back. Get it? Ok, good. Now, why’d i ask? well, for what I did, I’d get my far share. little did my stupid dick thinking maleness knew, that Sky..... was a fucking crazy, mean bitch. Jenna, would later tell me, after she had forgiven me, out of me calling her two weeks into it with sky, me apologizing. But, sky was just, well. a sad person.

She was about 19 to my 20, 5’6, mostly Hispanic, with a little bit of German in her. walked with a slight gimp in her left leg, she was born with it, dark brown eyes, wore contacts! ( that should have been a sign ) meaty, had wide hips, thick legs and smallish chest, dressed like a Poppy punk princesses and listened to the dreadful music too. She went to school to become a teacher, and took care of her two younger sisters. and was always stressed out. and showed her true colors fast, she had a chip on her shoulder and very negative. though she’d later call it ‘being aware of how the world, really is’.

three weeks into it, she came out once on a dry mid October day, and a very odd series of unfortunate events happened. A huge fucking fire broke out in the area i lived in! i started off as small and in the distance from out house, and we had a freeway in-between too. no biggie right? WRONG! it would soon be creeping up on the house complex i lived in, rather fast. calling my mom to get home as soon as she could, would turn into a cluster fuck of a mess. by the time my mom hadn’t gotten home, me and Sky were running around trying to get things from the house, valuable things like old photo’s and oh, the cats. I had parked my car on the side of the street to our house and was in such a hurry, i forgot to put the brake on. so, the car, slowly started rolling down the hill and eventually bump into the side of a wall, up the street! i had to run down and get the car. screaming back and forth was fun for awhile, while the fire started burning around the sides of the complex i lived in, you could see hills and tree’s all around us, was on fire. We had thrown the cats in the car and me and her took off while the fire grew larger and larger. and my crazy tough mother stayed be hide to defend the house from impending doom, like previous generations in her family had done. As me and Sky drove down a narrow street, we saw fire burning on some branches and as they say ‘put the pedal to the metal’ and hulled ass through the burning trees. We’d end up two town’s from my city, at a hotel. safe! my mom ended up fine, was would the house. Sky, after all was said and done would later ask ‘ ok, im just wanting to make sure, does shit like this happen to you on a regular basses? because i dont know if i can date someone who leads such a chaotic life!’. I laughed and simple said ‘no, i live a boring life’.

Now, I don’t not thank her for helping me. I really did and do thank her! but what fallowed after was many times of her constantly criticizing me. Any and everything, she’d find fault with. From the type of tooth past i used, to my shoes i wore, to the the clothes i wore, to my friends, to how close i was with my mom, she didn’t get it! she resembled my father. negativity suited them best, to be “realistic”. i call that pessimistic. she would lead me on too, saying how she’d want to see me, but at the same time tell me things she had issue with, choices i had made and how, if i had to be with her, i HAD to make those changes to best fit for her life. How’s that a relationship? it’s not. She’d end up ending it after 6 months. For some odd reason, I didn’t first, might as well, it felt like there was nothing there in the end. She’d end up marring some poor sap and having a kid, poor thing.

But the best thing to come out of it, was me and Jenna became even better friends. getting closer and bagging on Sky for the poor choices she made. What I took from that ‘relationship’ was that i shouldn’t ever be a door matt for any girl, nor should i take any amount of crap from anyone, no girl was worth it. She was just a Bitch.

Chapter 12: Don’t think with your dick, boy!

Music-Florence + the Machine - What The Water Gave Me

Sitting down, in my room, watching a old tv show I had used to watch religiously. Called the Maxx, it was once a comic book then turned old MTV cartoon. it had become my favorite comic book of all time. I sat there, introducing it to a new girl. She was dorky like me and was such a cool person, she had a love for all things nerdy. Her name was Jenna, and we’d been talking for awhile. She was shorter then what I’d come to typically like, she as about 5’5, green eyes and for the most part, wore glasses, had a more tom boyish punk way to her, with big chubby cheeks and always changing colored hair. A thicker girl too, but i wasn’t a hater. I was willing to try with anyone. As a matter of fact, something to this day about her I simply respect a lot is that, she owns the fact that she’s a big girl. Not a ‘pissed at the world, fat girl’ as she put it. She came out, my way to visit with her friend Sky. Well, Sky drove. And we all just wanted to hang. Jenna, wasn’t a g/f, more like a ‘eh, lets see what happens’.

As we sat there, sky was in my living room watching movies. And to see how things would be between us, we did the dirty deed. it was ok, nothing TO big. but, i always cared about her, still do. she’s an incredibly friend. but, after that, i could tell, it wasn’t really there for me, in that way. I know what your thinking, Im a fucktart for sleeping with her, THEN saying nah? not true, i asked her, if she did want to go through with it. and that their were chances we’d not end up, she was ok. im sure, like most woman, thinking i’d change my mind.

No, what makes me a ‘fucktart’ is what I’d end up doing. they were down here for two days, and slept at a local hotel. Jenna, certainly showed she liked me, but ah. so did Sky. DOM DOM DOM! she flirted with me and would show major signs. later to find out, jenna could tell she was being all of the above towards me. it at first made me uncomfortable. but, then i started to think Sky was cute and seemed cool. Oh, the mistake. Sky, at one point, cleverly, gave me her number some how, with out me at the time, thinking of her intent. we started texting each other and talking a lot. Ok, so not only my conscience told me this was a bad idea, other people said so too. and by conscience, i mean Rille. I told Rille what i was going and she about yelled my ear off. i knew it was fucked, and not right,. but, something about Sky, intrigued me. something i’d not done before, been a player. Im not proud of what i’d do and or did. Sky, secretly came down to meet me, and at the time, i was getting distant with Jenna. While, me and sky were at a hotel, sky asked me to call jenna and say i was ‘hanging’ with sky before sky wanted to take it to the next level. and by that, i mean sex. a’ duh! So i did and broke another heart. shit, did it suck, but time heals all wounds and Jenna would later forgive me. and also, felt sorry for me.


Chapter 11: Blue Haired Girl, with the Texas accent

Tunes- Broken social Scene- Anthem of a 17 year old

Before the Morgan incident happened, maybe even around the time i graduated from high school, I became friends with a very unique individual. Different then any person I had ever met. Smart, witty as all hell, funny, dry sense of sarcasm, quick to thought, fast on her feet, dorky, tough, could talk your head off. the type of girl that could kick your ass one moment, then give you a hug later, if she liked you enough and she had a Blue and Black mohawk. She was initially from Southern California, but moved to Texas when she was a kid. to this day, still has a mix between a california accent and texas accent, more heavy on the texas part though. she has always, talked very fast. like while she’s inhaling, shes talking, fast. Her name is and was, Rille. Tall ( yet again ) about 5’10, white as hell, green eyes, only wore glasses for up close, no that much’ but still counted at the time as wearing glasses!, thin, but had hips and curves on her, long legs, nice butt, a cute smile, cute nose and light freckles on her cheeks and nose. She was beautiful in my eye. ‘Wow’, I thought, would she talk to me? I had found her on a punk bands message forum. my intent was for talking with fellow fans about this band we all loved, not to ever find a chick. i had liked what she wrote on various bulletins and topics, she was smart girl. we started to talk, come to find out, when I was 18, she was 16. And when the Morgan travesty happened, Rille, was there for me. Unfortunately, K, had gotten distant from her old friends from H.S. She started hanging with new ‘hip’ kids. she didn’t disown us, the old school friends. we just didn’t see or hear from her much. So, what came and went with K, a new female best friend came with Rille. She visited CA a lot, due to her dad being a big shot artist out here. she came to visit, so we did get to see each other, but a lot of our communication was with calling each other. Ah, yet, from day one, on both our sides, me and Rille, both liked each other. I was surprised, here’s this incredibly good looking girl, though younger, 17, going on 18’ when I was 19, i felt it wasn’t that bad? I mean, we talked ALL the time, every night for months. while staying best friends over those months, we’d also kinda hint that we did like each other. full well knowing, living that far a part is why nothing would ever happen. she’d tell me about a boy, and all she’d do is bitch about him and in many ways, compare me to him. and this went on for years ( i think still kinda does ). I always felt Rille was out of my league and I don’t believe in them! here’s this punk girl, whose smart, awesome, has many friends, a famous mom and specially famous dad, whose at the time, to me the epitome of beauty, could get any guy..... why would she want me? but, in all of her awesomeness, her bad judge of character and always needing to defined the dumb boys she knew were bad, made me think, she had issues. Rille, does, like us all. I think, if we had lived near each other, things would have been different. But, truly, I think to this day, and we’re still best friends, I’ve always been to much for her to handle. She’s beyond most men, but when she came across me, I think it scared her, so she quickly put up the wall of us just being friends. Yet, the comparing me to other guys and how she talked about me, gave it away.

The first time we met;
We had made plans. she was on her way to southern California, to go to a huge artist gallery opening, her dad was a part of. It was about 2003 and me really wanting to go to the gallery before knowing she’d be there, was a major to me. Then, knowing she’d be there was a huge thing. truthfully, it was her, that made me really want to go. I had gone out that morning with my mom and grandma for breakfast, then my mom offered to drop me off, the gallery opening was with-in the area, so why not? I got dropped off and started walking around, trying to look for her. I was wearing ( big surprise ) all black, tight jeans and a Clash shirt, with my punk vest on. i got my ticket to go in and me and Rille had been texting. ‘meet me at the far right side, from the opening, were the tables are’. i was yet again.... and again and again, nervous. this was no ordinary girl, in my eyes ( still to this day, shes not ). I walked around, with a kick in my step, walking with anticipation! i looked up, and she’s standing there, leaning up against a table. her hair was short in the back, and had long bands, it was mostly bleached with the tips dyed black, she had tight blue jeans on, and a fitted white wife beaters shirt on, with OI! boots on ( look it up ). now, something that’s real odd and yet cute about Rille is, be it when she has a straight face, but specially when shes smiling, her eyes are pretty squinty! she had a big smile on her face when she saw me and as did i. we walked up to each other and hugged, for a long time. i looked her up and down and thought ‘god damn, is she hot’. in my insecurity, i thought she felt ‘ god damn, he’s weird looking’ at lest, i felt girls of her clamber felt that way about a chubby boy punk. we talked for like an hour at those tables, then walked around. she wanted to introduce me to her dad. a mountain of a man. i see, were she got her height from. and looks, she looks a lot like her dad. after he crushed my hand and scared the crap out of me, giving me that ‘ you touch my daughter and i’ll.....’ vibe. little did he know, his daughter was a bad kid already. we walked out side the building to say our byes. she had to stay be-hide late that night, to help her dad. again, we talked for a bit more and when i finally hugged her. i hugged her and picked her up, and hugged her tight to show how much i was really glad to meet her. she would later jokingly say with a laughter to her voice’ gez, dude, you like popped my left tithe thanks ass hole’. I’d in my own sweet way say back ‘ well, then grow some boobs in the first place and then you’ll have something to bitch about!’. she laughed and pushed me away and i walked off. when it came to her, i never really straight up told her how much i did like her or how i SO wanted to try and kiss her, after that hug. but, she;s always been hard to read. maybe, i just felt i wasn’t good enough to have a chance, so i never read into any “signals” she sent?

Year’s would go by with me and her, always being the best of friends. She knows more about me, then any friend of mine, ever has. Her talking about her boy issues and me to her, about my girl issues. but, it always seemed there was that almost ‘sigh, why didn’t we ever try?’ she knew i would have in the second the words came from her mouth. She grew up, from a punker chick, to a skin byrd to someday I’d like to call hippie stoner girl. yet, managing to have her shit together! wow, imagine that. She had, from day one, been there for me, helping me, consulting with me ( for free too ), being the best friend, i could ever ask for. she helped me with every girl I’d been with. Specially, when something came around, that I’m to this day, not protocolary proud of.


Chapter 10: Rebound

Tunes- Halo Wars sound tack, cuz im that awesome!

Why anyone would ever need a rebound, i still do not know. is it to keep your mind off the last person? to spite them? in your own head, knowing your with another so quickly after, hurts them? or is it just to fill that over bearing whole left by them, on their way out. Answer for me? All of the above. I’m assuming it goes different for each person. Or some just don’t care why they do it. But, not I. after what I had been through, I had my thoughts as to why, I did. Jump from one to another. It was two to three months after the Morgan incident, and females were the last thing on my mind. I was told by friends, and even some family i had to ‘buck up, and try again’ as if i felt it was that easy, in my ever feel of turmoil. I stupidly, prowled the net once again, having hope to have learned from what I might have done wrong. I found a punk “dating” site. more of a social site, but when it all came down to it, it was about finding someone. I had been on it when I was a senior in High School, but came back on, after two years to see what was out there. now that i had finally did the deed.

Her name was Carmine. A tough and off putting girl. A fan of horror and heavy punk. Mostly a forum of punk called “crust” witch is a mix between heavy punk and death metal. She was Hispanic, tall about 5’9, black hair with bleached streaks in it, that came down to her shoulders, curvy with long legs and a awesome punk style to her. She did wear Buddy Holly styled glasses to her! yet, beneath that tough and rude, crude and crass behavior, was a shy and sweet girl, that didn’t know how to talk to guys that well. before we even talked on the phone, i asked for her to take a picture of her self, holding her drivers licenses. 18, PHEW! and that Jebus, she actually was. I think with that shyness, no wonder she was a virgin. hell, i could relate. We ended up meeting at a friend’s party of hers, Johnny coming with me as my wing man. She knew what she wanted ( news flash, chicks want it just as bad as men, that’s not all they think about though, and their not AS blunt as men, come to find out ). And she seemingly felt comfortable with me. It was the 4th of July, what with the fire works going off out side.

As for what happened, it happened fast. Rushed in, guns blazing, and fire works going off ( there’s youre birds singing, waves crashing ), she seemed to have enjoyed it and i think happy she got it done and over with, no more virgin sorrows for her. I felt bad, like it shouldn’t have. But, I do think what we both wanted is what happend. I think in the long run, Carmine did really like me, and would have to liked to have made it work. but, after a few weeks after we did the deed, and I do feel lucky for being her first ( and her my second ). But, it ultimately, was a rebound. not ever my intent. AT ALL! I hurt her, i think she felt used. She turned into a anti-me campaign. might as well had a sign that said ‘No Sean’s’ on her door, but one sean was allowed in. just not me. over the years, I’d at times, randomly once a year say ‘hi’ to see if we could at lest be friends, but nothing but hatred. she would later date some kinda fuck headish guys, and a few years later, we’d see each other at a show, her punkist punker that eve did punk the punking world of a b/f would threaten to “kick my ass soon”. I laughed, I didn’t take a drunkard, skinny ass hole seriously and wow! he never did, i was bigger then him and any of his friends. The sad thing of it really, is that I did hurt her and that was not my meaning for what happened. I felt shitty, yet moved on to bigger and crapper things.


Chapter 9: Little black heart

Tunes- Moriarty ( thanks Emma )

One wise person once told me “ignorance is bliss” and “love is blind”. Ignorance to what, something being obvious? love is blind, as in you don’t see whats really there under the surface? that’s some of what I think when I hear those. and at 19, my first love, i knew nothing more then both of those and what felt right at the time. A person first love can’t be described, you get frustrated even trying to describe it. Because, no one, besides you will get it. Is it ignorance that turns a blind eye to what red flags we see in the start? most likely. we want it so unbelievable badly, we do use that phrase ‘ you don’t understand our love’ interlay way to much.

Four months and two week’s into being with Morgan La Fay, was well, great! We did se each other a lot, considering how far we did live from each other. After one 4 day weekend of us hanging, we had spent a day coursing the pier, we had sat down at the edge of the pier, our feet dangling and looked out at the sun setting. She had her head on my shoulder, while looking out at the ocean and said “ my mom said it was ok you came and spend the week with me, if you can get the time off”. It was summer time, so all i had was just work. lucky, i had a cool boss and it would end up being ok with him. “ are you sure you’re step dad would be ok with that? he seem’s to just be a pissed off person...... all the time. he won’t just find a reason for me not to and say no?” i said. “nah, he seemed ok with it, my mom already asked him. so, how about in two weeks, that monday you come out here?” she said with a giggle to her voice. I gladly said, I’d do my ‘damned best’ to try. Low and behold, i did and it worked out.

I had bought a gray hound bus ticket to her place, seeing as how i’d be staying there the week. i packed for a year’s worth of clothes, books, manly products, drawing paid & pencils. I always do that, over pack. my bag ended up braking! My mom dropped me off the in the morning at the bus station, and by station it was a corner liquor store. the ride took for ever, stopping off, getting off to a new bus. Two things I remember on that trip, besides it feeling like it took 10 hours, I met a real awesome guy on the second bus. A musician, who had both an acoustic guitar and an electric guitar. His name was Joe, he kinda looked like a modern day Jimmy Hendrikes and from L.A, he was on his way to meet up, to see his kids. he showed me a picture of them and said they also loved music like him. I got that he was a wondering musician. but such a nice guy. I told him my fair tale of love, and how i was on my way to see the maiden Morgan. The other thing I remember, is we had made a stop off, for people do their thing and there was a Mc’murder’s near us, me and joe hurried to get our food. asking nicely to please hurry. we didn’t have much time. Joe had just gotten his food tray and I was standing there, waiting for mine when Joe said “oh, shit! their leaving with out us!”. I turned and we both jetted FAST! right out the door and ran up to the bus as it was taking off. The driver stopped and let us on, after a ear full. I said my good-byes and best wishes to Joe when it was his turn to get off. He simply said “loves a tough thing, but I hope you two end up happy”. Not true for us, but thanks Joe for the wise words.

I got to the circle K around 7 pm. And Morgan was waiting there for me. We huged and kissed and got on our marrie way back to her dreadful house. Her mother, Carol, was a timmed and looked very drained due to stress type of woman. Morgan’s step dad however, Mario was a tiny, angry, drunkard whom felt Mexico would take back california someday. Im not gonna say what we did in the Mexican american war was ok, but come on! I got the feeling, though he married a white woman, he had a distaste for white folk. The house they lived in, was a dinky house, with one bedroom that was Morgan’s, one bathroom right next to her room, a kinda small living room and then her mom and stepdads room was like attached to the kitchen, there was a cut out to what seemed to be a window, so you could see right into their room if you walked out of Morgan room. the outside and in side were painted a nasty, mustard color yellow. like the city it’s self, the whole house had a beat up look to it, fuck it smelled like burnt beans too!

The most comfortableness i had ever gotten with her mom and step dad was, before they went to sleep and me and morgan were gonna watch movies in her room was, sitting at the tiny kitchen, drinking old co-co. We went into her room, now her room wasn’t that big, it had an upside-down U.S flag, with the words ‘fuck the draft’ spray painted on there ( at the time, it scored point with my uber punk rockyness ), a bunch of flyers, band posters, ticket stubs from shows and picture’s of her and her friends. she also had a desk to the right of her door, were she had her computer. on the top of the tall desk top, sat her tv. now her bed, was on a HUGE frame underneath. I mean, you had to like claim to get on this thing, it was so odd. it was so tall, one window was right next to her bed, the other window, was much bigger and to the left of her bed. we hiked up her bed and sat there and watched a movie, fell asleep to Legend.

The week we spent together consisted of a lot of movie watching, going out and seeing what of some of the friends she had near her. she didn’t currently have her licensee, due to how she had gotten it taken away, from drunk driving. we also did what most newish couples do, lost and lots of sex. Eh, there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s expected and shouldn’t be hush, hush. 4 days into me being there, Mario asked me to come out side and wanted to talk to me. Now, besides the fact I felt I was a foot taller then him, made him like to try and act kinda tough around me. why i do not know. Morgan had told me months earlier, how she’d catch him staring at her, with a fucking creepy lustful look to him. besides being beyond wrong, im guess, she was a full grown woman and he was a dirty old man. So, we both walked out and sat in two old wooden chairs that felt they were put together by spit and gum. He leaded in and said ‘so, sunny’ (sunny? the hell? ) ‘how old are you again?’. ’19, Mario........ sir’ I said with a hint of sarcasm in my voice. ‘oh’ he said,’ we thought you were a bit younger.’ “younger as in, how young?’ i said. Younger, as in like 15, 16’. ‘Huh, aren't I a bit big to look that young?’ I said. ‘Well, ya maybe....’ it went a little silent for awhile. that awkward sort, Mario wasn’t the brightest, and i think he felt he was. “how old do you think Morgan is? the same age?’ he grumpled. ‘Yessssss, she’s my age”. With an almost glad to hear, i said that tone to his voice said’ oh, well, hate to tell you, but she’s been lying. She’s not 19. she’s 13’. I gave him a look of ‘really?’. Said, oh, ok. as in to quickly dismiss it. The guy was a full on douche bag, who would say anything just to fuck with me. Hell, he and made a comment about me being Irish. Just a lovely person. Later that night, what the Frito’ the Bandito had said, was bugging me. I walked into Morgan’s room, while she was there, listening to music in her boy-cut shorts. now, like any guy, when you see your g/f in those kinda shorts, do you want to fuck up a possible moment there by running your mouth? because,chances are, if you do, pants will cover those undies. I’m not an ass hole, as much as ever’ did I, at any given moment wanted to play naked twister with her, I’m not one to fuck and then, be like ‘oh, gee, by the way......’. So, I told her what he said to me..... ohhhhh, what a mistake. How dear I speak whats on my mind! She fliped, and said’ why the fuck would you listen to him? he’d say anything, just to piss on our relationship! he’d want you to leave me, of course he’s lying!. That was a bit more comforting and considering the source of where it came from, i did dismiss it.

The next day, Carol and Mario went out for most the afternoon. After we watched one last movie, it was some movie with nicholas cage and had something to do with flowers? We had um, done stuff..... and i went to go take a shower, and Morgan came in and sate down on the toilet seat and we were just talking, when i jokingly, but not really. said ‘eh, why dont you come in here and join me?’ she slowly did, with her clothes on and and we started kissing tell we herd yelling out side. It was Mario, he must have gotten home earlier then we thought, herd us talking in the bathroom and got incredibly pissed. cursing in both Spanish and english, and also saying some thing in spanish. Now, I don’t speak’a da’ spanish. I can’t really speak english properly. but, he didn’t sound to happy. i did hear him at lest say ‘ i want him the fuck out of my house’. i started packing my crap, morgan was crying, her mom yelling at her. yelling ‘just tell him the truth’. i had almost had all my shit packed. she walks in her room, with puffy red eyes, smeared DARK eyeliner on, she looks down, then looks up at me and say’s ‘I have been lying to you, this whole time, im not really 19. I really am 13’......

I like to use definition to describe how I feel:

heartbroken |ˈhärtˌbrōkən|
(of a person) suffering from overwhelming distress; very upset : he was heartbroken at the thought of losing her.’

Besides being felt like i was just hit by a train of emotion, I had a hard time realizing were I was. Why me? Why, after what I had finally found, did this happen to me? To put short in what happened after this very sad coming of events was this: her step douche, kicked me out, I had no where to go, i was out of the house for about almost two hours not knowing what was gonna happen. I ended up being able to talk him down and he let me stay in the living room, farrrr away from Morgan. she would later tell me, she didn’t sleep that night, due to crying to much. I didn’t sleep ether. The last time I would ever see her again, was her leaving for school. She stopped at the door, still crying, tears running down her face, looking at me and mouthed ‘i’m sorry’ to me. i just looked at her. Billions to trillions of things were going through my head, while i waited for the bus to pick me up, i didn’t talk really talk much to anyone at all on my way home. all i did was vacantly stare out the widow while i listed to The Clash. I had called my mom and told her the story, she knew to pick me up. The bus dropped me off and she wasn’t there yet, i walked over to a few stores that had went out of business, sat down by a car and just started to cry. Not to sound to typical for a dude, but i don’t cry that much. my mom finally pulled up, and just looked at me. she would later tell me, i was more pale the the norm and didn’t talk much at all, for a week really.
The sad, but true end to this story is one of the reasons why I feel I’ve always been some what closed off to showing my full potential to any female I’ve ever been with. After Morgan’s dad finding out about what happened, calling up, my mom answering and him possible threatening to pursue legal ramifications and my mom, being the mother bear she is, bite his head off/ making a point of, it was HIS daughter who sent me certain kind of pics, text, messages and lyed to me about her age. a basic ‘bring it on buddy, i’ll whip your ass in court’. Ya, she’s awesome. He backed down, and i think got his kid had made a mistake, he was worried, she had clocked her self in her room and was saying she was gonna cut her wrist. And in the killing her self sort of way. Morgan, managed to get a phone in her room, called my house, again, my mom answered and gave the phone to me. i talked her down and told her, I’d always love her and what we had was amazing. i was hurt at the lying and that’d i’d never regret what happened. and I don’t. things, be it amazing to utter shit, happen for a reason. we regret, then they repeat them selfs.

Later, Morgan would go through a changing processes over a few months. We still talked, from time to time. but as she changed, she got very distant and vindictive towards me. As Punk became lame once again, and a parasite of a look/music called “scene” later dubbed ‘hardcore’ came around, her youth, arrogant mind, went with it. She started to look like an Anime character and also, became a huge whore, fucking fellow Dragon balls look a likes. The last time I talked to her, she just said ‘ Ya’ know, I do regret loosing my virginity to you’ amongst other heart warming words. Call me an emo kid if you will, but she did take a piece of my heart. it hurt, more then i can express and I learned a lot lot lot from it. But, I don’t regret it. not one bit.

Chapter 8: Under the tree, in a Dirt Bike Course

Listening to: Defiance Ohio- New world Order

Driving on the 101 south, at 65 miles an hour listening to old school Greenday. I was sitting shotgun with my feet out the window, leaning back in the chair. The J brother’s were with me. Jonny driving and his younger brother Jay was singing in the back seat. Jonny sported a 1989 blue firebird. it smelt like 19 year old boys car. the paint was fading, and the inside besides smelling, looked like it had a lot of sun damage to the color of the seats, that were a faded red. Where were we heading? To meet up where Morgan lived, in a place called Lake Forrest. About an hour and 40 minutes from where I lived. Jonny and Jay lived not to far from me. They had offer to come with me to meet her. Now we three were in a “punk” band. So, we hung and practiced as much as we all could. As a matter of fact, to get me to hang with them for a whole weekend they offered to come with me out there. We started to get in the neck of her woods and it was a bit scary there. This was besides the fact that they had found a dead body in the lake a few days prior and that was a typical thing! The city of Lake Forrest defiantly had a scummy side to it, the area she lived in had a run down feel to it, buildings that were last painted 20 years ago, heavily cracked roads, most the the stores around there ( seemingly to be liquor stores ) looked like they had been broken into. Just a very run down city. We the whitest kids you know, felt out of place. About 5 minutes away, I called her saying we were close. “ there’s a circle K around the corner from my house, stop there and i’ll walk up and find you”, now for some odd reasons, I hadn’t herd of a circle K up tell then. Hell, even the Circle K was run down and had a crack head ( named Crack head Joe, later to find out ) standing in front of it, giving me the evil eye once we pulled in. They parked and walked in to get drinks, I told them to “take their time”. I walked over to the left side of the store, were there was what seemed like a long sidewalk leading to a street of houses. Along this sidewalk was a huge fence, witch made it that people couldn’t get be-hide the store easily. My heart, must have been on the floor! I can’t describe how nervous I was. There just is no adjective to describe it! I lead up against a light post that had old, ripped up flyers on it. What felt like hours, I waited in my tight black pants, Dead Kenndys shirt and a newer vest I had on, I’d upgraded by this time. And then, finally I saw her walking towards me. Oh, god, she did look amazing! Just as she said, she was tall. Had DARK eye make up on, witch made her eye’s with her pale skin, incredibly blue. She also was wearing ripped up, holes in the knee’s, tight blue jeans, a nirvana shirt on and a studded belt. As she walked, she looked up and saw me and looked down, put her hand over her mouth and was giggling. I ran over to her very fast, went up to her, grabed her, picked her up and swung her around and hugged her so tight. Again, she was laughing and went ‘ wow, hey there!’. “fuck, I’ve been waiting for this” I said “ Ya, I’ve been really looking forward to seeing you and Im SOOOOO nervous!’ she said. What gave it away, was the fact that she couldn’t look me in the eye for more then 5 seconds. She was very nervous and as was I, but mother taught me best, to make eye contact, so I kept trying to look her in the eye. Also, she had amazing eyes, so I kept trying my best to get a look. I felt like I couldn’t keep my hands off her. In that, I was holding her hands and hugging her, I was so happy to be around her. We talked there for a few minutes, then The J bros. came out and I introduced them to her, and her to them. “ so, well leave you kids alone, to hang out and get to know each other better” Johnny said. Me and Morgan, just walked down her street for a bit, talking the whole time. Like when your at that stupid saying of ‘love at first sight’ time went by like that and it was night time already! I didn’t want to leave! I kept pushing time back and back, she didn’t want me to leave ether. And yes, of course, a lot of making out and groping. One thing I’ve always loved about woman? A full figured woman, and Morgan had some.... um, well, she wasn’t lacking in the chest area! It was an hour tell midnight, and before I had to leave I managed to get my first shot at well, four play. Nothing to big, just my first time at using my hands for a good cause. I ripped a whole in her crotch area, due to that we were both so scared we’d get caught. Eh, ya, we we’re like a house down on her street from her parents house. But, after much enjoyed time together, it was sadly time to say bye. It was hard, and I remember her crying. I was very sad and had a hard time saying bye, but we made plans for in two weeks to see each other again.

A month or so went by of us seeing each other consistently, be it by bus, a friend driving us ( my car wasn’t working, and didn’t have the money, yep, sucks! ). But, that night finally happened. OH, YES! It was just me and Johnny at the time, and Morgans friend Fin was there to hang with Johnny. My guess is, Morgan knew she was ready and wanted it to happen. It was around 6 or so, Johnny and Fin were at in front of Morgan’s house talking, while me and Ms. La Fay ran off. Now, the area she lived in was right up aginst a hill, maybe about 5 miles out. But before you hit that hill, was a long stretch of land, with tree’s and long dead grass all over the place. But, in the middle of this was a patch of tree’s and dirt hills that local kids had made into a dirt bike course. The ripped away grass from kids ridding or walking, made 8 shapes in the grass all over, and HUGE circles too. We ran, as fast we could to a point, around the middle of said course. Where a huge tree stood. Not sure what kind it was, but the branches and leaves came down and touched the ground. Perfect to be hiding it. The ground was covered in rocks, dead leaves and twigs. Not so perfect, but still. We sat down, both Indian style and we’re talking about it ‘you think your ready?’ i said. she nodded and said’ im ready, we’ve both waited this long, why not now? we both love each other’. And I did, I really did. She had said the ‘l’ word first and i quickly agreed to embarrassed to say it first. We started kissing and lied down on the ground. She made pain looking faces and would while kinda laughing say ‘fucking rocks’. She was on bottom, I on top. Typical, right? And with both our pants just pulled down a little I in a R.I.P Darby Crash shirt, her in my DK shirt, it happened. Not so much birds singing, waves hitting rocks. That takes more time to happen then how long I felt I lasted. Yes, yes, a hopping 20 Seconds is impressive, huh? Yet, in that 20 or so seconds, I do remember hearing the kids ridding around in the distance, the sound of their bikes running, going faster to hint a jump. Oh, but the feeling of what was happening was fucking great too! much better then your hands for 6 years. I felt lucky and amazed it finally happened. How lucky was I? For my first to be with this beautiful, great person. And her first time too! The shyness she had and the stand-offish towards most men would explain why she waited, I told my self. I looked down at her, while she was finally looking me in the eye with out looking away, a huge smile on her face. I said I just love you, and thanks for making me feel complete’. She simply said “ I feel like ive been waiting for you for my whole life’.....


Chapter 7: Morgan La Fay

Music- Greenday- Dookie

I had met her, through a stupid website a friend of mine was boasting about. how he had met his at the time g/f off there. So i try’d it, thought why not? I’ve not done that online dating thing yet. This was back when I feel it was less acceptable to other people then it is now. I had been on there for a few weeks and I came across her. Her username was like Comeonletsmosh, a very cute and funny name, I thought. Her main picture was a bit fuzzy and hard to really see her, but I could see other’s too. She was unbelievable cute. calmed to be 5’11 and I was about 6’1 by then. Big light blue eye’s, had to wear glasses all the time like me, but didn’t and would walk into things from time to all the time, shaggy black hair, pale as the snow, had some meat on her, but in the right places. Dressed that of a typical 19 year old Punk kid would. And her name was Morgan. I’d call her Morgan La Fay ( get the reference? ) when I’d want to get her attention or I was pissed at her. I was 19 at the time too, it was around 2003, seeing as how I graduated in 2002. My first message to her was full of stupid little chatter, for some odd reason she ended up responding! i was very stoked. We talked back and forth from time to time, mostly nightly, when I’d get back home from work and school. She was working at a hair saloon and had drooped all her classes and was planing on going back. After 2 or so weeks of messaging, I asked if I could call her. This was new for the both of us. when i was waiting for the clock to hit 8 p.m I was listening to a Nirvana song, tapping my fingers on my mom’s old beat up chair that had been in the family for years. I look at the clock, 8:55. I sighed. I was home alone that night, and was glad I was. I was nervous enough as it was, to have my annoying mom bother me. 8:57. DAMN! I thought. so close, ugh. I got up, to get some water so my throat wouldn't get dry. I sat down and saw it was 8.pm on the dot! I picked up my cell phone and this was a old school version cell phone, so lovely. I stopped for a second and thought ‘wait, isn’t it best to keep them waiting like a minute or two? to not make it seem like im to desperate? Now, I felt I knew this due to that I had been talking to girls on the phone for many years, from Hannah in J.R high to Chelsea in h.s. it was 8:03 and I finally called her. It rang 5 times, I thought she flaked out on me, I got a sad face for a second tell she picked up and with a raspy voice said ‘hey? now you finally call me!’ hah, hah. it was funny, even through her messages to her voice, she was sarcastic and had a dry wit to her. ‘hah, aw, don’t get to sad, I’d call like I said, just wanted to make you wait for me’ I said.

After about an hour and 30 minutes of talking and the time does fly, we came to that ‘oh shit, minutes’ and started to say our good byes. Though, it would seem we’d not talk for year’s, as if I was shipping off, it was hard to get off the phone with her. the last thing I said to her before I hung up was ‘ya’ know, I got a good feeling about this, your something special and I hope this works’. she giggled and agreed. we said our byes.


Chapter 6: the Virgin Suicide

Listening to: Catpower- He War

I think we all, at a young age some time around 12 to younger even, imagine or wonder how our first time ( losing of the virginity ) will be and to who, not just how it will all play out to happening. The major expectations. I think for some to most guys are just very whatever about it. want to get some as soon as their balls drop. But not I. I had my hopes and looked forward to it, someday. But, I wasn’t in a hurry. The countless stories I could tell, about me and the boys talking about what our first time would be like. even some female friends i had talked to, from Jr. high to high school, would admit, they were thinking about it a lot. The look from the end of the class room your in, spotting a girl you like and from that point on, always looking at her when you enter the room, yet to shy/nervous to approach her. So, when we think of H.S, we all know that’s when your supposed to do the 3 bads. Drugs, drinking and sex! Drinking, yep! had some good times ( obviously ), drugs, eh not so much, weed, that’s a drug right? But, when it came down to the last, sex, I was shy and like a very typical insecure teenager. thinking ‘oh, she won’t like me’. Coming into my self was tough for me, being kinda chubby, dorky as fuck, yet owning everything about me. I was the first to say how I was, but when it came to hitting on a gal, tougher then opening my mouth about my opinions. I could always talk to anyone, but when It was a girl I liked or thought was hot! that was another story. High school came and went, just as fast as the anticipation of it coming. With it passing, also went my chance to lose it in h.s. No, sadly, no crazy sexual adventures for me. But, not all was a loose, for I would be not to long after, about a year......


Chapter 5: Spark Plug Sex

Music- Arcade Fire- Wake up

I think out of most of my H.S year’s the girl I liked the most was a very unique, individual. Her name was Lee, a incredibly shy and quiet girl. Kinda Punk at the time of 2001. She had Red hair, brown eye’, that she AT TIMES wore glasses, freckles, very pale ( seem a similarity? ) about 5’6, thin and just unbelievable cute. And real sweet too. I had met her through some friend’s I’d made in mid 10th grade. These kids, being not really ‘punk’ but liked Ska, Punk and rock music a lot. The “leader” of the group, named “Iggy” due to him looking like.... you guessed it, Iggy Pop. Iggy, was friend’s with everyone, he was kinda of a dick, but in that for some odd reason, he’s still your friend dick. Iggy, being friend’s with Lee’s counter part, Donnie. We three, ( me, Iggy and at the time and up till the end of H.S, my best male friend Riddle ) would hang with Lee and Donnie a lot. Donnie, was REALLY fucking cool, a short Hispanic punk girl, who could make you cry if she didn’t like you. These two awesome girl, some how wanted to hang with us. Not just me, Riddle and Iggy, but also other friend’s, K would hang with us A LOT! specially, when Riddle and K were dating..... ( shortly after that, is when me and K became close ).

I knew I liked Lee, when a bunch of us were together at Iggy’s house. It was a great night, there were like 10 of us, in Iggy’s tiny ass hallway of a room. I was sitting on his desk and Lee was sitting on the ledge of the window right next to me. We were all joking around, taking about odd ways to have sex. Yes, I was like oblivious to really what happened during sex, let alone what you “did. but besides all the girls in the room ( 4 of them that night ) all the boys in there besides Iggy, were huge virgins. I doubt I was the only one to be like.....’ah.....hah?’ In an awkward laugh. The topic got brought up about what if certain inanimate objects could fuck. Iggy had X-mas lights going around his window and Lee unplugged the lights and used the spark plug and kept pushing it into the socket and said ‘hey, look, Spark Plug sex!!”. We all laughed, but I then got those ‘oh, shit, your fucking cool, I like you’ eye’s, I’d imagine. Also, the joke about taking a bloody tampon and throwing it at creepers on the street was funny. Funny, and od, this I do know, but I don’t think Lee or Donnie actually did that...... hmmm.

Typically, like my luck would have it, Lee knew I liked her. Shit, all of our friend’s knew. I was not as cleaver at hiding as I can be now, damn! And typically, she I don’t think liked me back. I donno, for some reason I felt she might have, but just couldn’t get over her ex she’d go back to all the time. It seemed it was him or no one. Yes, big surprise, another girl I liked that had a fucktart of a b/f. As i twirl my finger in a circle in the air, to signify that ‘big fucking duh’ feeling. I did mange to her Lee’s number and for about all the damn time, I was to nervous to call her much.

Though, I finally managed too, I was beyond nervous. I knew she knew I liked her. And maybe, besides her being very shy, one of the reasons she didn’t hang with me alone much at all, is she didn’t want to lead me on. In that regard, thanks Lee. But, we did hang out, just once. We had made plans to go see a WW2 movie about snipers. The whole time, I’d look at her in confusion. Did she like me? Did she agree to hang with me to see how thing’s would go? I paid for her ticket! so was it a date? should I ::DOM DOM DOM:: kiss her??!! I didn’t, I was scared shitless. I really did like her a lot. There was something about how sweet, nice and shy she was that would really start my love for shy, quiet and sweet girls.

I stayed friend’s with her till after H.S, but we stopped talking after that. It really does suck when you like someone for two year’s. Anywhere from liking them a lot at times to just kinda in the back of your head, it was still there. I was sure something back in High School. Shy, nerdy, nice and the world’s biggest virgin, so I felt..... back from 98 to 02.....